Twelve months. 365 days. 8760 hours (when you're a mom there are days that you count the hours cuz one day is a looonnnggg time). A plethora of nursing sessions. Singing a medley of "God is so good / I love you Lord / Seek ye first" more times than I can count as part of naptime and bedtime and MOTN wakings. And yet, somehow, husband, baby boy, and I have made it through one whole year as a family of three with all limbs in tact. As I reflect back on the past twelve months, the one thing that reverberates in my mind is how God has walked with me, with us, every hour, and every day, through every experience. On the "easy" days He's given us rest, sweet memories, and delightful surprises. On the hard days (and boy were there many) He gave us just enough energy to get through it and just enough wisdom to navigate the turbulent waters.

Baby boy's middle name means God has been gracious, has shown favour. "Grace is the Hebrew word chanan or the Greek word charis, meaning “the state of kindness and favour toward someone, often with a focus on a benefit given to the object.”" Now I know some may say that these were just coincidences, or can be explained by biology or science. But for me, these are moments that God has shown up in the past year, reminding me that He knows what's best and that I am not forgotten even in the loneliest moments that often accompany motherhood.

Here are some instances of God meeting me where I was at and showering me with His grace (and love and mercy):

1. When I was told at 40+3 that we would have to deliver baby via elective C-section I was pretty devastated. Not because I wanted so badly to have a natural delivery nor that I didn't anticipate the possibility of a CS, but because I knew from all that I had read how rough a CS was and how much longer and more painful recovery would be. It would also have an impact on any future pregnancies, automatically increasing the risk for complications. In the car, on the phone with my mom right after the appointment I was in tears telling her what was to happen the next day (we had less than 24h from appointment to scheduled surgery time). I prayed and pleaded even that morning that God would give me peace about it, but still felt anxious knowing that I was about to undergo major surgery. Ultimately it was the best route to bringing baby safely into this world. When they cut me open they found baby boy had his cord wrapped around his neck 3 times. Three times. My doctor said baby was smart to stay put. Had we tried to induce and labour I would have likely needed to have an emergency CS anyway. This way was better. After wondering why I had to go down this path, He answered.


2. After struggling through the first month of new mom life, having daily anxiety attacks that included dry heaving (which hurts like hell when you have a healing incision in your abdomen), shakes, and chills, a friend from high school that I haven't seen or spoken to since high school reached out to me out of the blue. She reassured me that this was a normal part of postpartum for some people and that she had similar experiences when she first became a mom. The next few days, weeks, and months involved long chats back and forth with her giving suggestions and advice on nursing and baby's sleep, and just walking alongside me. After a month feeling like my prayers had gone unheard, He answered.


3. Speaking of anxiety attacks, these happened almost at the same time every day. The mornings were usually the worst after yet another night of only 2h stretches of sleep. By the afternoon symptoms seemed to subside, only to recur the following morning. And knowing this regularity, when I was feeling better I would try as much as possible to give myself pep talks, or reminders, or compile playlists to listen to when I was in the heart of an anxiety attack, but nothing would alleviate them the following morning. Then one Saturday morning about 5 weeks in, they just stopped. After pleading with God every day asking for mercy, He answered.


4. Similarly, after 5 weeks of postpartum life and little to no sleep, I woke up one day and didn't feel like I had just been hit by a bus. This was a monumental milestone. Up until this point I couldn't fathom how I would ever be able to keep going feeling so run down and utterly exhausted every hour of every day for what seemed like eternity. I dreaded nursing sessions cuz of the discomfort that both doctors and lactation consultants said would only improve with time as baby boy grew bigger. When I was up in the middle of the night nursing (again) I would think to myself that I just needed to make it to morning, only to realize that when morning came I would still be in the same cycle of nursing and diaper changing and not sleeping (this is usually when an anxiety attack would hit). I felt trapped. But after 5 weeks, He answered.


5. In the first 3 months with the newborn I had a myriad of questions and Google only got me so far. Especially when so many theories and methods contradicted each other and I had no clue how to decipher which was "right for you and baby". I felt like I had zero "mom instinct" and could not for the life of me tell the difference between a hungry cry vs. a change-my-diaper cry vs. a tired cry (still can't really to be completely honest). It all sounded exactly the same. But in came friends who were also new moms in recent years. They shared their experiences, gave advice and thoughts when asked, and just kept encouraging me as I fumbled around this whole "being a mom" thing. After hours spent Googling everything and asking for wisdom, He answered.


6. I was so exhilarated when my sister-from-another-mother told me she was due with her second around the same time. What I didn't realize was how much of a blessing it would be not only to mat leave with her, but to have her as a sounding board in the past year. We've talked through sleep regressions, nap strategies, feeding struggles and everything in between. I've asked her questions about baby boy's skin rashes (even sent her pictures), pumping challenges, where to find a sun hat, and she has been so gracious and supportive with helping in whatever way she can. She gave me pep talks when I needed and encouraged me to come out for lunch where I had to venture out alone with baby. We would text each other messages to read in those MOTN wakings which made those twilight hours feel less lonely. All those nights I felt like I was the only person awake in the entire world, He answered.


7. When we ventured out to France when baby was 5 months old, we didn't realize how disastrous his night sleep would get. He barely slept on the flight there and basically just napped on and off the whole time we were in the air, too stimulated by all the things to see on the plane. On our first night there he woke up every... 45... minutes... all... night... long. He refused to sleep in the travel crib and after 3 nights of no sleep because non-sleep-trained-baby would only sleep in my arms, I found myself rocking him once again, singing that medley of songs, and begging God with tears in my eyes to let baby sleep. And by some miracle, he did. And not only the usual 3-4h stretch he would normally do, but closer to 6-7h that only happened once in a blue moon. Just when I felt like I would fall over from not sleeping, He answered.


8. When we came back from France (this was an awesome trip, eh?), baby boy's sleep was also a wreck. Having co-slept with me for 2 weeks, he now would wake up scared and crying in his crib then would proceed to stay awake for the next 2h cuz he was also jetlagged. And when I got plastered with a terrible cold I had no idea how I could recover given my non-sleeping baby, but somehow he managed to sleep a solid 6h which in turn gave me a solid 6h to sleep and rest. When I thought it would take me forever to recover cuz I couldn't sleep, He answered.


9. Post-France we decided it was time to teach babe to fall asleep on his own at night. It took a month. Most of the sites we read said it would take 2 weeks tops. And that was just night sleep. Naps were supposedly a whole different beast, much more challenging, and taking much longer to establish. Up until this point I would have to sit in the recliner with kiddo to get him to nap longer than 30-45 min. This was following 15 mins of singing/rocking, and I would sometimes need to get up and rock him again when he would start to stir after 45 mins. Needless to say, those stories of moms getting stuff done while their babies napped just wasn't a reality for me. The day we decided to try and get him to sleep on his own for naps I expected to face the same resistance we had with night sleep. But he surprisingly had no problems, just closed his eyes and went to sleep. After a month of sleep training and worrying about nap training, He answered.


10. There were numerous nights when baby would be up in the middle of the night and unable to go back to sleep for whatever reason. After multiple attempts at getting him to go back to sleep I would often find myself hitting a brick wall and unsure of how I could muster up enough energy to keep going. And yet, somehow I would always have just enough strength and just enough voice left to sing him songs till he finally calmed enough to go back to sleep. When my voice was hoarse and my eyes were heavy, He answered.


11. There were also countless early mornings (I'm talking 4am/5am) where sweet child (note sarcasm) would wake and whine and me in my half awake state would throw out a drowsy prayer that God would help baby boy go back to sleep... and he did! Even in my desperate, half awake prayers, He answered.


12. At 10.5 months, when nursing had finally gotten easy and we had gotten into a good groove, baby decided to self-wean suddenly. This then sent us into a frantic couple of weeks of trying to pump, not getting much out, and trying to get him to take formula. It was bittersweet for me, remembering how hard it was at the beginning and then having it end so suddenly, sooner than I originally had in mind. Then at 11 months, I cracked my root-canaled-but-never-crowned-cuz-of-COVID molar (again) and needed to have dental surgery to extract the broken tooth and put in an implant. Having him weaned allowed me to take meds without having to worry about how they would affect a nursing baby. Though I didn't understand why weaning didn't go according to plan, He answered.

I'm 100% sure there are many more snippets of God's grace in my life this past year that I haven't thought of, and even more certain that there are still many more to come as I continue to journey on this path of motherhood. I write these things out not to brag about how much favour I've been given, but to remember how God is so ever present in my life and that He continues to show up in the highs and lows, the brightest of days and the darkest of nights. It has been a year of change, a year of growth, and a year of grace.

Prior to becoming a mom I knew that there'd be a ton of things I'd have to learn. Being around my brother and sister-in-law when my niece and nephew were born gave me a glimpse of what parenthood entailed, but I didn't know how vast the ocean of information was until baby boy actually showed up in our lives. And now, 10 months in, I've come to realize that not only has my day-to-day (and night-to-night) life changed, but even my vocabulary has evolved. From "establishing a good latch" to "connecting sleep cycles", these are phrases I was never even aware of pre-baby but are now fairly common in my everyday vernacular with other mom friends.

When parenthood is 90% guesswork, 5% Google, and 5% luck and God's grace, you eventually realize there's a ton of acronyms that are used in forums that you come to learn as you try to keep the tiny human alive. Why all the acronyms? It's cuz there's just so many terms and so little time to type out those terms in full every time you go to talk about it (which ends up being quite frequently as it turns out). So for all you expecting mamas and non-mamas, here's your cheat sheet into the vocabulary of motherhood.

BLW - baby led weaning (method of feeding solids that skips purees and lets baby feed themselves)

BTC - by the clock (refers to sleep schedules that have wakeup, naps, and bedtime at the same time everyday... and no, this is not the norm nor the recommendation as I've come to learn)

CIO - cry it out (a.k.a. extinction method of sleep training, but also refers to any method of sleep training that involves letting baby cry)

CS - c-section (or caesarean section in full)

DS / DD / DH - dear son / daughter / husband (how people often refer to their child / spouse on internet forums)

DWT - daily wakeup time (the time at which you get baby from the crib, usually suggested to be the same time everyday)

EBF - exclusively breast fed

EBP - exclusively breast pumping (and bottle fed)

EWU - early wake up (when baby wakes up any time before 6am)

FF - formula fed

FTM - first time mom

LO - loved one (another common way people refer to their child in forums)

MOTN(W) - middle of the night (waking)

OT - over tired (when baby is awake too long, filled with the stress hormone cortisol and has a hard time napping / sleeping... also, the thing you dread the most and are always heavily cautioned to avoid)

PP - postpartum (the period of time after giving birth, usually the first 3 months or the "fourth trimester")

PPD / PPA - postpartum depression / anxiety

PUPD - pick up put down (a "gentle/no cry" method of sleep training that involves picking up and putting down baby (awake) as often as needed until they fall asleep... somewhat misleading as this method still involves tears)

SLS - sleep lady shuffle (another "gentle / no cry" sleep training method that involves you sitting in a chair by baby's crib until they fall asleep without your assistance and progressively moving that chair further and further away each night until you're out the door)

ST - sleep training (teaching baby how to fall asleep independently with methods ranging from "gentle / no cry" to "cry it out")

STTN - sleeping through the night (the holy grail of parenthood, when your baby finally sleeps through the night which means you get to sleep through the night, unless your body is just conditioned to wake up every 3-4 hours... but that's now on you and not on your child)

TOG - thermal overall grade (refers to warmth of blankets/swaddles/sleepsacks)

VBAC - vaginal birth after c-section (part of the follow-up convo w/ the doctor about family planning and subsequent children)

WW / WT - wake window / wake time (the amount of time baby is awake during the day, changes with age and different for every child... also something you watch like a hawk and requires you to do "nap math" to make sure baby doesn't get over tired, but also something you might have to tinker with to make sure baby isn't under tired and can take those forever-desired long naps)

As evidenced by this list, most of these acronyms deal with sleep. Not surprisingly, when your babe is slow to get on the "learning how to sleep well" train you go down the rabbit hole of trying to figure out why and how to get him there ASAP cuz when baby doesn't sleep, neither do you. My sister-from-another-mother and I often ask each other "would you rather" questions as we navigate our babies' first years together (a blessing in and of itself to have another mom whose baby is a week apart from ours to do life with). One of those questions was "would you rather have a crappy sleeper or a crappy eater?" And we both agreed that we'd opt for crappy eater cuz at least if kiddo refuses to eat you can still eat to your heart's content. But when you have a crappy sleeper everyone suffers.

Apparently learning to sleep is a developmental milestone right up there with crawling and standing. And I've been assured by friends, a sleep-focused pediatrician (yes, there's such a thing and yes, I went to see her), and the internet, that babies do figure it out as some point. I'm happy to report after 10 months baby boy is starting to take longer naps (>45 minutes) and gets decent stretches of sleep at night unless he's dealing with new teeth, new skills, new sickness, or some other regression to keep us on our toes (spoiler alert: there's basically always something he's dealing with every other week 😵).

Now I'm fairly certain there are many more acronyms not on this list, and I'm even more certain that my motherhood vocabulary will continue to grow and expand as our not-so-tiny-anymore baby grows and develops. So for all my mama friends out there, let me know what I'm missing and what else I have to look forward to as I continue to be shaped into this new person known as "mama", sleep-deprived and all.

At the turn of the year I was seeing a lot of reflections not just on 2019, but the past decade. Which, of course, led me down memory lane and thinking about where I was at the start of the decade. I was in the early years of my career and had just started a job that I would stay at for the next 6 years, I was just starting to play ultimate and closing off my softball days, I had just started traveling sans family, and I was loving singlehood and young adulthood. Heck, I hadn't even met the guy that would become my husband. It's kind of crazy when I think about the past 10 years and all that's happened. Here are some highlights that come to mind...

2010 :

• went to Europe for the first time with friends (Paris, Zurich and Berlin... still one of my most favourite trips to date)
• started playing ultimate more competitively, meeting a whole bunch of new friends along the way
• bought my first car
• had lots of summertime adventures with friends including chasing meteor showers, girls' nights, gelato dates, and strolling around some of my favourite places

2011 :

• bought my second car (totalled my first after 6 months... single tear)
• destination wedding cruise (first cruise!)
• maid-of-honour for the first time for my sister-from-another-mother's wedding on aforementioned cruise
• went to Fort Lauderdale (and the Everglades) for the first time
• went to Montreal for the first time

2012 :

• started touring with Lily (women's ultimate team) and road tripping to Montreal, Ottawa, Waterloo, and Rochester for tournaments
• lived on my own for a time
• destination wedding in Canmore

2013 :

• became an aunt again
• started touring with Lotus
• went to Vancouver for the first time
• destination wedding in Cancun and the beginning of a whirlwind romance only found in movies

2014 :

• officially started dating my now husband, the months before we were just "seeing each other"
• saw A BUNCH of musicals with now-official-boyfriend (Les Miserables, Lion King, Rent, Wicked)
• went to Chicago and San Diego for work, but got some time to tour around the cities
• second time MOH for my best friend

2015 :

• third car
• started touring with Terra and won my very first medal
• destination wedding in Punta Cana
• went to Vienna for work, got to tour around the city as well
• went to NYC for the first time
• went to Mexico to play in the Pan American Ultimate Championships

2016 :

• started my new (current) job
• went to Europe and got engaged (Paris, Lyon, Florence, Venice, Rome)
• went to Colorado to play in the USAU Masters Ultimate Championships

2017 :

• got married, became a wife
• moved downtown
• toured with Nox
• went to Tampa/St. Pete's for the first time
• honeymoon'd in Croatia (Split, Hvar, Dubrovnik) and Amalfi Coast (Naples, Sorrento, Positano)

2018 :

• destination wedding in Hawaii (Oahu, Big Island)
• gained a friend-turned-sister-in-law
• went to Boston for work
• found out we were pregnant

2019 :

• bought a house
• fourth car... mom car
• became a mom O_O
• went to Europe again, this time with a baby (Nice, Monaco, Eze)

There's probably a bazillion things in between that I've missed and a lot more non-destination weddings in that mix, but some resounding themes are how incredibly blessed I've been to be able to travel so much in the past decade, how many of my friends had destination weddings, and all the old friends, new for-a-season friends, new lifelong friends I've had walk beside me in this time. To all of you, I just want to say thank you for your presence in my life these past 10 years.

The other prominent thing in this list are all the huge life changes and subsequent shifts in identity and who I understand myself to be. I went from single young adult, to "the girl that I'm seeing", to girlfriend, to fiancée, to wife and daughter-in-law, and now mom. I've gone from living with my parents, to living on my own, to living with my parents again, to living with my husband, and now living with a baby.

I should stop and make a note here that I really suck with change. I'm a creature of habit and pretty much hate change. It takes me awhile and a lot of internal reflection to be okay with new transitions. The bigger the change, the longer it takes for me to get used to it. And this latest one has been a doozy, especially cuz the only thing consistent about life with a baby is constant change. Not just changes in his growth, development, and day-to-day life, but changes in my own growth and identity as I learn what it means to be a mom physically, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually. It's crazy how different life looks now. Back in 2010 I was trying to get all my social engagements, church activities and sports in order every week and now my days are filled with making and pureeing baby food, tracking wake windows and nap times, and folding laundry... oh so much laundry.

The funny thing about restarting this blog is I have the ability to look back 10 years ago at some of the things I had written and what my life and thoughts were like at that time. So naturally, when it came time to reflect, I went back to read. And while I know that I'm not the same person I was back in 2010, there are still some things that are still very true about me now (read more here). This post from 2010 goes hand in hand with why I suck with change. Change requires delving into the unknown, moving from what you are comfortable and familiar with into new uncharted territory. If you read that old post, I hate not knowing, not understanding what's happening, or what to do next, or the end result. And well, that's basically parenthood: 90% guesswork, 5% Google, 5% luck and God's grace. I'm well aware that this new life with baby is just the beginning of many, many, MANY more years of change... so somehow I'm gonna have to get better in dealing with change and figure out a way to be excited for it rather than apprehensive about it. I honestly have no clue how this is going to happen. This next decade is definitely going to be an interesting one.

It's been ~8.5 years since my last post on this blog. Figured I could start a new one for this new chapter of life or revive my old one and marvel at how much things have changed since I started this thing back in 2003. Obviously I've chosen the latter. So with that, welcome to my journey of motherhood. We're 6 months into this new stage of life and figured it'd be a good time to reflect on the past half year. Full stop warning that this'll be a long one, so without further adieu...

. . . . .

The transition into motherhood was an extremely difficult one for me. Pregnancy went quite smoothly and for the most part any discomforts were pretty tolerable. Then at 40 weeks + 3 days we were told that I'd need to have an elective C-section because baby boy still hadn't dropped and it would be risky to try and deliver him normally. While I always knew in the back of my mind that a CS might be a possibility, it was definitely the last resort on my list of preferred outcomes. That said, there were some positives about having it be elective versus emergent: we were able to somewhat prepare (being given less than 24 hours between appointment and scheduled procedure) and at least we knew what to expect in terms of how the surgery would go.

However, nothing prepared me for everything that happened after our little timbit showed up on this side of the womb. For anyone that knows me, you'll know I'm extremely prone to nausea and that it's usually pretty debilitating (although I ironically didn't have much of it when I was pregnant). The nausea that accompanied the anesthesia I was given during surgery and post-op was tenfold worse than all the needles I had to endure (nurse missed twice putting in the IV... facepalm). Then there was the getting out of bed for the first time to go to the bathroom and getting dizzy from the pain and the meds. Then there was the crash course into nursing and the discomforts that came with that. Then there was the car ride home where every bump was excruciatingly painful. But all that paled in comparison to the month that followed. The days and weeks after coming home from the hospital were an absolutely insane mix of post-op scares & ER visits, follow-up tests and scans, surgery recovery, daily anxiety attacks, heavy buyer's remorse, and of course sleep deprivation that's probably equivalent to some sort of torture tactic in some part of the world. All of a sudden I realized and felt all 24 hours of a day and I found myself wondering why in the world we did this... voluntarily... and how in the world anyone would want to do this more than once.

In hindsight, I was exactly like Rachel from Friends. I had read all the books about pregnancy, labour, and delivery, but hadn't delved into the vast ocean of information on parenting that all pretty much contradicted one another. One thing you should know about me is I like to be prepared. I like to take my time examining my options and weighing things in my mind before deciding what to do or how to do it. But reality hit. The tiny human was here. There was no time to "take my time" nor did I have the mental capacity to comprehend and analyze everything I was reading in my half-zombie state of mind. The funny thing about that first month is I did what came innate to me when I'm overwhelmed. I leaned on my "village" asking for guidance, support, and wisdom. Everybody basically said the same thing: "Oh yes, the early days are hard, but it gets better." My first reaction in my mind was, "Why the heck didn't any of you tell me this beforehand???" But what I said out loud was, "When?!?!?" The responses I received varied from "8-12 weeks", "3 months", and "100 days". When you feel every hour of the day and the days crawl by seemingly to no end, all of those answers feel like an eternity away. I felt trapped and questioning how in the world I would make it to any of those benchmarks. I prayed and pleaded with God asking for wisdom, strength, mercy, and grace and often felt like He had forgotten me.

Fast forward to 5 weeks postpartum. Suddenly when I woke up in the mornings after another short stint of sleep I didn't feel like I got hit by a bus. Suddenly I had a smidge more energy than before. Suddenly the anxiety attacks weren't as prominent. Now don't get me wrong, everything was still crazy hard... but something changed. Something was different. I started to feel like I could be alone with the tiny human (versus having the hubs and in-laws around all the time), and maybe, just maybe, we'd be okay.

Fast forward again to 3 months postpartum. Kiddo and I had finally figured out the breastfeeding thing after all the ups, downs, and pains of the first two months. We even started to venture out on our own and miraculously made it there and back alive. Husband and I even made it out to a wedding reception, leaving baby under the watchful eye of his grandparents and cousins (mind you this was the only time this has happened thus far).

And now here we are at 6 months and tiny human isn't so tiny anymore. He mastered rolling from back to front first before learning how to roll back, which made for some very challenging middle of the night wakings when I'd have to go in and flip him over like a pancake and soothe him back to sleep. He had no issue transitioning from bassinet in our room to his own crib in the nursery, but lost his mind when we took him to France and put him in his crib again when we came back. That said, we made it to France and back. On four planes. While his two little teeth were coming in. He smiles a ton, laughs at the strangest things, gets mesmerized by the most mundane things, and gets lots of compliments from strangers both locally and abroad.

I can't realistically say "6 months just flew by" because for me time has felt both fast and slow in the past half year. Truthfully, there are still a lot of moments in my mind where I mourn the loss of my life before. The days when we could travel freely, go out with friends, go out on dates, play sports, and sleep... oh how I miss sleep. If I'm being brutally honest I would say that I don't really know that I wanted to be a mom prior to getting pregnant. I know this is awful to say considering I have many a friend who has struggled or is currently struggling with fertility issues, but I never had a deep drive or yearning to be a mom. I was perfectly content being the fun aunt to my niece, nephew, and all the other babies/kids in my community. God thought otherwise.

Looking back at this journey so far, this new phase of life, this new title, is both an incredible blessing and an insane challenge. But I can see God's grace peppered throughout these past 6 months (more on that some other time). I can see His provisions, giving me just enough energy, just enough sleep, and just enough support to get through the rough days. And while I watch my little person change and grow month to month, I can see how I'm being molded into a real mom (versus the Pinterest mom I'm sure people had in mind when they told me I'd make a great mom). Cuz truth is I have no idea how to be someone's mom. I'm still learning, still growing, and still Googling a bazillion things (e.g. "How to start solids"). That will probably never end... but I guess the most important thing is that I'm still here, still breathing, and still trying to keep the not-so-tiny human alive. Motherhood is hard. But it's the hardest things in life that are often the most worthwhile, right? :)

patience
pey-shuhns | noun
[ i ] the bearing of provocation, annoyance, misfortune, or pain,
without complaint, loss of temper, irritation, or the like.
[ ii ] an ability or willingness to suppress restlessness
or annoyance when confronted with delay
[ iii ] quiet, steady perseverance; even-tempered care; diligence

I am not the most patient person. I know it. My parents know it. Even some of my friends know it, though they may be hesitant to admit it. When I was a kid I used to scrape up my knees cuz my legs wouldn't move as fast as I wanted them to when I ran. The time spent sitting in the car to go anywhere felt like ages. Even now, I'm the commuter that stands by the doors of the train as they open so that I can get on sooner. Not that I'm vying for a seat or anything, I'm just not the type of person that will wait for the crowd to clear before getting on. Mind you, I'm also not the commuter that sprints for the stairs (just to clarify). I try to strategize where on the platform to board the train so that when I get off I'm right by the staircase and one of the first up/down. This is solely because I hate walking behind slow stair climbers/walkers. Again, impatience, I'm aware.

Now don't get me wrong, sometimes impatience isn't a bad thing. It makes me more efficient in what I do so that I'm not wasting time. It also gives me a sense of urgency at times to get things done, which offsets my procrastination. More often than not though, my impatience is the culprit for some... no wait, many problems, ranging from making decisions too quickly and not considering other possibilities/consequences usually due to heightened emotional reactions, getting annoyed easily especially when something doesn't turn out as I had hoped/planned/expected, reacting abruptly when things take too long and just "doing it myself" or "taking matters into my own hands."

I've been trying to be better at the whole being patient thing. I've been more conscientious of my actions and reactions. I've tried to not jump to conclusions/decisions. I've tried to listen first and speak later (a habit that I've had since even before I can remember). Adding to the personal aim of being more patient is all the stuff we've talked about in small group: the first quality of love is patience; one of the fruits of the Spirit is patience. I did a keyword search on Biblegateway and came up with the following: 16 results for "patience" and 27 results for "patient". Undeniable that patience is a quality to be desired and sought after. And as though the two aforementioned reasons were not enough, I've been reading Passion & Purity by Elisabeth Elliott and this is an excerpt from one of the chapters about waiting:

steadfastness, that is holding on; patience, that is holding back; expectancy, that is holding the face up; obedience, that is holding one's self in readiness to go or do; listening, that is holding quiet and still so as to hear.

Truth be told, I need to work on all of the above. So here's what I'm trying for: 21 days of Patience. At work we were told that psychologically it takes a minimum of 21 consecutive days to successfully change behaviour. Now in reality it probably takes more than 21 days, but it's catchy and it's at least a benchmark to aim for. I'm hoping to try to exercise more patience in the next 21 days. I don't really know what that entails, but I'm presuming a lot of what goes against that which I am innately inclined to do. So maybe instead of wanting to walk past the slow TTC commuters to just walk behind them and learn to slow down, even in the time of commuting. Maybe it means intentionally holding my tongue and listening first before speaking, and making sure what I speak builds up rather than tears down. Maybe it requires waiting until heightened emotions dampen, whether in response to disappointment, delay, or disagreement, and making decisions after the head and heart have cooled.

Sounds simple enough, right? If you know me, you'd know that this is actually quite a gargantuan task. Never before have I truthfully, openly, and honestly acknowledged this flaw of mine and intentionally taken steps to try to correct it. Here's hoping that I at least make some progression towards being more patient. I'll probably never be as patient as some other people I know, but I got nothing to lose in trying :)

sabbath
(derived from the Hebrew Shabbat (שַׁבָּת), "to cease")

I've been getting more and more resounding hints that I'm in dire need of rest. Not just physical, but mental, emotional, spiritual, etc. Looking back at posts from the summer, life was kinda insanely hectic. And while most would think that things should slow down with the ending of softball and people going into hibernation and what not, it's actually just picked up more. What's funny is I didn't realize how many things I had going on in until I had a look at my iCal and saw that I had at least one thing down for every day of the week if not two. It's been quite the crazy balancing act trying to prioritize and juggle, shift, and reschedule so many of the different elements and people in my life.

I'm actually surprised that I've been able to go so long like this without feeling burnt out. Part of it is probably cuz I enjoy doing all the things that I've been doing. Whether it's ministry (Sketchpad, volleyball clinic, worship team, TC), sports (ultimate 3x a week, volleyball), design (work, freelance stuff, pro bono everything), or time with family and friends, I find so much delight in all the things that I've been involved in the past few months... and that's probably why it's difficult for me to slow down and cut stuff out... or simply to say no. What's scary is there's so many more things that I want to be involved in, but simply can't figure out how it would fit into my schedule.

So in light of this very evident and real need, and the fact that the season of Lent kicks off today, I'm trying something new for the next 40 days... and hopefully this habit will continue past Easter weekend. A couple of years ago (or maybe last year) I heard a message about how maybe Lent doesn't have to just be about giving something up... but maybe it's about starting something new. Here's my thought: realistically I don't think I can just quit everything I'm doing and "lent" busyness. There are things that I've committed to that I'd be irresponsible to just drop out from. That said, this is my challenge for the next 40 days: take an intentional hour every day to rest and reflect. Whether that's physical rest, or just time to journal, read, or simply be still... just an intentional time of sabbath daily. Making time to re-align and re-center myself in hopes of starting to build a habit of rest and inevitably allowing me to re-fuel for all the things that are going on in life.

Today shall be Day One. We'll see how this goes. :)

gelato & ice cream

So it's been about a month now since the official ending of summer... both time-wise and weather-wise. I gotta say, I think this past summer has been one of the best of my life to date. I played a fair share of sports (frisbee & softball), hung out with old friends, met some new friends, and had lots and lots of gelatos and ice cream.

Sports consisted of the following jersey colours: yellow (Quick Dumpers), purple (Dumplings & Dories), black (CCSA Ekklesia) and white (DVSL Ekklesia). It was quite the spread of experience in terms of the caliber of each of these teams. Quick Dumpers was a learning team when it came to frisbee, so we got slaughtered lots trying to play intermediate in TSSC and did semi-better when we got into the second half of the summer and moved into TSSC rec. Either way, it was good to see people from ET outside of the church / small group environment and just hang out through sports. Dumplings & Dories was an absolute blast. Loved the people that I met and got to know, loved that I was learning a lot about ultimate and getting better at the sport, loved that we pretty much dominated in TUC (4th / 22 teams; 11-4 W-L record), and simply just loved being on the team with such an amazing group. CCSA Ekklesia was also equally amazing. Going through the season and doing quite well, making it through the playoffs, playing in the championship game and feeling genuine community despite the lopsided loss at the end was remarkable, memorable, and unforgettable. DVSL Ekklesia was a ton of fun for different reasons. Playing with people I'm not normally accustomed to playing with (e.g. our pastor, deacon and deaconess), eventually winning the championship after a rocky start to the season, and meeting people on other teams in the community.

Apart from sports, which took up Mondays, Thursdays, Fridays, and weekends, the time spent with friends was awesome too. Chasing the northern lights and inevitably failing, 25th birthday celebrations galore, weddings weddings and more weddings, settlers, girls night, t-dot tours, doors open toronto, taste of Danforth, Jersey Boys, and of course, random gelato & ice cream hangouts. This summer alone I've hit up Hollywood Gelato, Mad Italian Gelato Bar, and Il Gelatiere... amongst other random gelato places (e.g. on the Danforth or up at Main Street Unionville). I think my preference is still either for Il Gelatiere or Hollywood Gelato. :)

That's kinda my summer in a nutshell. By far probably one of the best. Much happiness. :D

"Happiness is getting together with your friends."
- peanuts, a treasury of happiness